Dear Dad

June 16, 2019

Dear Dad,

June 21, 2009, Father’s Day, you passed away and left a void in all our hearts.  As you can imagine, the people you left behind all handled it in different ways.  This letter isn’t about them; it’s about me and how your death has impacted me.

 I have found only one thing because of and since your passing, that has positively impacted me: my motivation to write.  We shared the love of writing.  You enjoyed my words on paper.  In one instance you reached out during an estranged period of our relationship of two-plus years due to a letter I had sent Elliott over my concern for his well-being and my undying, unconditional love for him.  That was how profound my words were:  father reaches out to daughter and not just any daughter – me!  Even though we had our share of ups and downs, you read, you understood, and reached out to me because of my written words.

My depression in the last couple of years is the worst of my life.  Although you didn’t suffer from depression, you understood its vicious assaults on my physical, emotional, and social well-being.  Thirty-six years ago, you were the one that suggested I may have this debilitating disease and to seek out professional diagnosis.  Almost immediately, I was prescribed Zoloft, and life became better. 

With no internet back then, I accepted the diagnosis and prescription and was not inclined to research what depression was.  Feeling better, I continued with life.  Over the next decade, I was able to stop and start the prescription.  Months would go by where I found myself “myself,” without it.  Looking back on it now, it seems that my depressive episodes were mainly attributed to Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I learned how to cope with these depressive episodes and became proactive in therapy.

Today, as well as in the past couple of years, I have eagerly sought out and received professional help to deal with my depression. What I have been experiencing lately, is not Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I have needed you so badly in the past couple of years; it is beyond words.  I need someone who gets me – to understand how horrible this depression is.  I need someone who will encourage (even make) me seek further help.  I need someone to tell me the doctor I am working with isn’t “working.”  I need someone to tell me what to do and make me do it. 

I need you today, yesterday and in the last couple of years.  Always.

I need someone to understand and accept my depression.

I need compassion.

I need someone to talk to that doesn’t make me feel this is something “that will pass,” or to tell me “get over it.”

I’m a bit confused, since your passing, if you really loved me as a daughter (or at all).  Since your passing, I have heard otherwise.  Thus, I need you to tell me the truth.  Maybe knowing the truth will help me heal and move forward.  Even if you didn’t love me, Dad, I love you!

I miss you.

I need you.

I don’t just need you for your help in advising me on my depression; I just need you!

Ride on, Dad.  Hope you are eating lots of watermelons.

On this Father’s Day, I send you Love, Kisses, and Hugs………..

This blog’s for you!