Dear Depression

I hate it when you enter my brain when I sleep.  You do it all the time, and I cannot stand it!  From out of an almost-decent sleep, I wake up in the morning totally depressed.  Sometimes, I can feel you have invaded my head-space before I am fully awake.  There is that burning feeling in my eyes as if I had been crying for days.  My head feels so heavy I cannot even get it off the pillow. My body feels weighed down; sore. Depression? When you do this on my day off from work, I know you are there, in my almost-unconscious state, because I have slept and slept and slept.  It’s not until 1 or 2 pm until my conscious state realizes you’ve crept in overnight and you’ve wasted another day of my life.  If you’ve snuck up on me on a work eve, it’s even worse.    You did this to me this morning, and I hate you for it!

Today was my first day of a two-week work assignment, and there you are, fresh off your demonic spell on me, first thing in the morning!  You could have stayed away from me for a mere two weeks. Nope, that’s not in your plans for me. You just crave ruining anything and everything for me. You know I’ll fight back with the drugs, right mindset and time. You get the advantage when you strike at night. I woke up this morning and dreaded the idea of taking a shower – of standing in the shower.  I almost didn’t even take one.  I didn’t care what I wore – you know how mad that makes me!  First impressions are everything.  I ended up wearing black pants that are way too tight.  A  chose a black shirt that is so unbecoming it made me wonder why I even own it.  Black shoes.  Even a black hairpiece!  Make-up?  I could have cared less.  I only applied it because it afforded me the opportunity to plop myself down on a chair at my dressing table.  I look like shit, and I feel like shit.

From the moment I woke up all I’ve wanted to do is cry and I can’t.  I have to fake some happy demeanor all day long.  Fake that I am glad to greet new people and be at work.  Fake a smile.  Pretending that I am not depressed is the most exhausting task I go through when dealing with depression in a public environment, and that’s probably why you’ve done this to me. If I never had to work a day in my life again, I’d be happy (yet I love to work).  If I never saw a single person again in my life, I’d be grateful (yet I love helping people).  On this day, I feel like want to be by myself and be myself – in a never-ending emotional state of sadness. That is how you make me feel, and it is a horrible way to go through life.

I am at work, on a mandatory lunch break.  I hate lunchbreaks.  Eating lunch makes me sleepy on a good day, but when a severe depressive episode hits me, like this one, indulging on even a tiny nibble will make me want to curl up on the couch that sits across this room and sleep the rest of my day away.   I am so tired – because of you, Depression!   I want to go home!!!!  I certainly do not want to sit around for the next hour, waiting for it to pass, so that I can go back to this tedious job with a bunch of annoying people kissing the public’s a–.  I have had 36 oz cup of tea, and now I am on a 36 oz cup of Starbucks Plus coffee (and I hardly ever drink coffee)!  Nothing helps the exhaustion that comes from depression, so I don’t know why I am even drinking this gross stuff.  Something to do with my hands, I suppose.  The movement keeps my eyelids from drooping over my eyeballs!!

I would like to smile.  I would like to be sociable.  It’s just not in the cards for today. 

Nothing physical or emotional transpired between going to bed last night and waking up this morning to make me feel this depressed.  Granted, I am always depressed, but some days are better than others.  Yesterday, I felt alive, today I’m dead.  It is all your fault, Depression!  Great job!!!

I hate you, Depression! I hate you and what you do to me!

p.s.  you’re even messing with my ability to compose a well-written letter to you and with my feelings in not caring how this turns out!  You get it!  Other’s may not.  Now, get the hell out of my head and body! Please. I beg you.